Inconveniently coming out to the outside world

Recently, probably a year or more, I have become an ultra-secluded human being, by own choice and by no means resulting in a revolutionary state of mind, anarchy against the world or any other fantasy that one can imagine. I was just tired of not being myself, of trying to do what others expect me to do, instead of doing what I want to do or what I like to do, or whatever the hell I wanted to do. So I was free for a while, at least that was what I thought. I enjoyed every second of it, just like a boy sucks the honey from his fingers after eating pancakes with his bare hands, oh!, what a pleasure! Here I am, I can write but my right hand is still hurting from a tendinitis, one more illness to my suffered skeleton. I can do most things like washing plates, shower, clean up my apartment but after a few minutes it just hurts a little too much. Well, it was worst a couple of weeks ago; I was really crying, literally crying out loud because I could not bear the pain. So I guess I am becoming better by the day, hopefully, it will only be a matter of weeks to recover fifty percent. I know it will take months to really feel no pain, but what is life with no pain.

Today I have to go to a meeting with a friend of mine; it was the opportunity to see her and get a deal or better say seal the pact with ink. It just happens that I have to move out of my current apartment, since rent is too expensive and I haven’t being working for the las year, in order to seclude myself from the outside world. For me it was important to take a year off, it is call sabbatical. Oh god, it was good, unfortunately my savings are gone. That really sucks, so I have to check with reality, no more secluding myself. It is not an option like my sabbatical, but it have to move on and out to avoid being homeless. Well she has an apartment and I need a room, deal is on, both of us are completely satisfied. The room is very small but the apartment is bigger, I also got a puppy on the deal, it so cool. I like dogs but I don’t have to take care of him, it is not mine, so a double pleasure.

While I was going to the meeting I was thinking and got a little scary because the idea of moving is not easy for me. Hey, I suffer from depression and I know what it means to change spaces all of a sudden, it is not good, it does not feel good. All that I remember is that when I moved was for a reason that implied that I could not came back again, like with my parents, I moved out with them four times. Later I moved out by myself probably more than ten times, and it was never the same, for one reason or another I had to do it. Only a couple of times I moved out because I wanted it. Today it is not the case. I really like my friend but I prefer to be alone. So, I started to think it over the ride to her apartment. I was sweating a little bit, all of a sudden I felt anguish. I was not ok. But why I was feeling uncomfortable. Perhaps because moving out reminds me of not good things, like leaving something. I have to leave somebody one time which it depressed me more. I have to leave for many reasons before, none of them good. Why this time it was supposed to be different. I guess It could be the same, I just don’t know. But then I thought, it is not my mind playing villain games? Well, of course Flavio, it always does, welcome to the world of emotions and disrupted events.

I was afraid a few hours ago. I was concern that anything could trigger my depression one more time. No god, please no. Well, God have nothing to do with it, now I know it, but I always tend to think of things that revolve my mind again and again. To say it properly, I am the one triggering my depression. You might think I am too crazy to say that but it is truth. Now I am in a different level with my emotions, I don’t control them at all but I have more experience to overcome dark days and blue nights. It is not easy, it sounds easy but not, it takes a lot of effort, medicine, reflection, reading and many more things to overcome a state of mind, a negative one. Of course, negativity shows different in every person, what is negative for me it is not negative for you, or what is difficult for me it is easy for you. The point is that whatever is happening to me I am the one that has to fight; nobody will do it for me.

Indeed, me writing is an act defiance against my own will. I think that is my best way to overcame pain, paranoid thinking, anguish, anxiety and the like. Anything will trigger my depression, but I am the one, the only soldier who can fight it. Not an easy task. The other thing to do is to talk to that person you know need to know your feelings or your emotions. I did both, and it feels better, nothing is solved, but it is the start of something better, breaking that pattern of avoidance, breaking that fear to feel fear or think that because and previously I felt fear now it will be the same. Not necessarily. That’s how I feel now, different, nothing is the same, and nothing will have to remain the same, things can change.

I got scared for a moment, my anxiety when to the roof. Was I going to suffer again because I am moving out, all the previous past experiences will be catching up with me one more time? I can’t say no, it will not happen, I just can say it might not happen. Again, I put all my knowledge after years of treatment, suffering and letting things go their way. This time is different, I have more experience, I have a sabbatical, I have expended time with me, alone and I know what is like to finally be with me. It doesn’t scare me anymore, I am what I am, it does not matter what other people think. Once I have acknowledge of mmy own being then I can start to work my way out, or at least I think I will. Have I changed, yes, will depression eat me alive one more time, I don’t know, I don’t want it for sure. It is like walking step by step. I am not a champion; I am just an ordinary human being, with an enormous auto destructive sensibility, therefore I have to take care of myself.

Now, one more time I have to inconveniently get out to the world, not because I like it but because I have to. Not a choice, perhaps a choice, depends who you ask (you can ask Kurt Cobain). You have to find your own way to overcame pain and suffering, this is how I do it, and I hope it means something to you, you are not alone, there are many like me and you, it just happens that nobody talks about it.

I will probably kept writing about me moving out. I know there will be more feelings and emotions that will come out.

Flavio

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Forgive my grammar, English is my second language.